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More Scottish Humour - The Patriotic Scot
Of the varied elements constituting the character of the Scot, it can be claimed with some assurance that loyalty is perhaps the most conspicuous. He is nothing if not patriotic. His proverbial love of country not only binds him more closely to his native town, village or glen, but also expresses itself in extreme loyalty to kith and kin. Ardent Scottishness forms as it were the outmost of the concentric bulwarks with which a Scotsman fortifies himself. . . Surmount this mound, and you will find an inner and still dearer barrier - the love of his local community, his village, or most probably, his clan... Storm this second obstacle, you have a third - his attachment to his own family, his father, mother, sons, daughters, uncles, aunts, and cousins to the ninth generation… And finally, his loyalty to his friends.
There are many recorded examples underlining this very distinctive Scottish trait:
" After all," said the old widow on being consoled on the loss of her husband, " After all, he wasn't a drop of blood kin to me. "
* * *
This reply recalls the domestic problem of the Scot whose sister had been living with his wife and himself for many years. But two women is " one two many " in any house and finally the situation could be endured no longer. One of the women must leave. But blood was blood and kin was kin - and his wife had to leave.
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When Jock moved to New York he constantly annoyed his American friends by boasting about how great Scotland was. Finally, in exasperation, one said, "If Scotland's so marvelous, how come you didn't stay there?" "Well," explained Jock "they're all so clever in Scotland I had to cross the Atlantic to have any chance of making it at all."
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An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "have you no ambition at all?"
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When it comes to incidents in his national history his patriotic zeal is even strong enough to shake him out of his native caution.
Witness the Bannockburn blacksmith who had shown some English visitors over the battlefield and who, for his services and his graphic descriptions of the events of that great day, had been offered a nice tip. " No, no, keep you're your money, " he replied with great self-denial; " this battlefield has cost you enough already. "
( Bannockburn is where the Scots defeated the English )
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When it comes to the English, the loyal Scot will take any opportunity to get them back for years of perceived, and actual, injustices.
There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Sharon Stone sitting together in a carriage in a train going through the Highlands of Scotland. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style steam train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Sharon Stone and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: " The Scotsman must have kissed Sharon Stone and she missed him and slapped me instead. "
Sharon Stone was thinking: " The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it."
And the Scotsman was thinking: " This is magic. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English fool again .
* * *
The Competitive Scot
After several hundred years of actual conflict with England, it is inevitable that there should still be a competitive element in the relationship with bigger countries. This comes through occasionally in some of the jokes which are told when the rivals meet. Included on this page are a few other jokes - involving such diverse stereotypes as Americans and Texans, and of course, the English. (you can take a joke, can't you?).
Jock and an American were flying across the Atlantic to New York when the stewardess approached.
"May I get you something?" she asked.
" Yes, a whisky" Jock replied.
She poured him a drink then asked the American if he'd like one.
"Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!"
Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying " Shoot, I didn't know there was a choice!"
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A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his potatoes.
An American farmer looked over the fence and said
"In Texas we grow potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied " Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths son!"
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An American entered a bar and stood beside a Scotsman.
After they had chatted for a while the Scot asked, "Where are you from?"
The American replied "I'm from the finest country in the world."
The Scot looked skeptical and replied "Are you? You have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman."
* * *
Irate American golfer, on his way to a round of 150: "You must be the worst caddie in the world!"
Scottish caddie (dryly): "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
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A Scotsman and Englishman are strolling along the beach when they find a lamp. They clean it up and out pops a genie. "I'll give you each one wish for freeing me" says the genie.
The Englishman thinks then wishes. "I believe in an England for the English, I'm sick and tired of all these Scots coming into MY country. I wish for a huge wall around England - to keep the English in and the Scots out"
POOF and it's done. The Scotsman thinks. "Genie?" he says "tell me about this wall". "Well" says the genie "it's 500 feet high, a third of a mile thick, nothing can get in and nothing can get out".
"OK" says the Scotsman "Fill it with water".
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MacDougal was offered 500 pounds for his dog by an American and 100 pounds by an Englishman. Much to everyone's surprise he accepted the bid from the Englishman. Afterwards he explained. "The dog can walk back home from England but he'll never swim the Atlantic."
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A philosophical Scotland supporter on the train south to attend the Scotland versus England soccer match was heard to comment: "No matter if we win or lose this game, we will still be winners in the game of life, because when our opponents waken up tomorrow they'll still be English and we won't."
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